Over the course of my life I have lost myself completely time and time again. Only to find myself again every time and learn something new about myself. Now, after losing myself this time around I sat across from my friend bawling my eyes as I explained to him my current life predicaments. My heart has been broken and after years of being on my own, I find myself living back at my parents. I put all the blame on myself. I had done it again. I had been pretending for the last part of my life to be someone I wasn’t just to try to be please everyone around me. Because of that I lost some very important relationships to me, and most of all I had lost myself. I wasn’t looking for comfort, I literally wanted my friend to tell me flat out all the things I had done wrong and yell at me. But of course he didn’t. He told me how gorgeous I was and that it wasn’t my fault. Then of course he created me a tinder account to boost my confidence (which the account lasted a grand total of 5 minutes).
I had lost all my independence and confidence. I stopped doing all the things I love and that make me, me! So who am I? What defines me? Well I’m a coffee addict who loves to hang around in her onsie all day and read good books or binge watch tv shows. I love and am passionate about photography and travel. But over the past few years I forgot about the joy doing those things on my own brings me. I just stopped doing them. When I stopped doing the things I enjoy and doing them for myself I lost myself. I fell into the comfort of a long-term relationship. Not that that’s a bad thing, we had a great relationship, but I lost my balance in life. Going back to my original question of who am I? What defines me? I listed the things I enjoy and my habits but those aren’t who I am and what defines me. At this point in time I don’t know who I am.
So, now yes in my search to rediscover myself I have spent 3 days in my onsie, photographing my daily activities (which consists of drinking coffee, reading, editing photos and walking around the house or on the treadmill when my fitbit yells at me that I haven’t been active enough), and writing all my hopes, dreams and thoughts down.
So to anyone reading this I just need to say, it is ok to take time out, stay in your onsie all day and do all the things you need to do for you! It does not mean your lazy or a bum if you are sincerely taking time out like I am to think about you and do the things you enjoy to do!
Inhale confidence, exhale doubt. So now as I sit here trying to edit this weeks photoshoots and drinking my 5th cup of coffee of the day. Yes 5th I know I have a problem. I have decided to book two trips for next year. The first one is to Utah to photograph the different national parks for a couple of days and then the big trip to Greece and Italy in April. So depending on how work goes, I am praying and budgeting hard to be able to do them both. However, Utah may have to be put on the backburner for some time.
I am however committing to Greece and Italy for a year. Which is terrifying for me. I once again find myself having to pack my life up again and move across the world. I’m 28 years old and honestly feel like time is slipping away from me. So that is why I can’t put off this trip any longer. I have dreamed about it for years and there is no day like today. But with my current lack of confidence, health issues and not being able to drive I find myself doubting myself often. I however moved across the country on my own 5 years ago and my health was much worse and I managed…barely but I managed. I learned how much I was capably of and I learned how to love myself. Now feeling like I’ve backtracked completely, its time to do it all over again.
There is something so empowering to me seeing how much the world is my oyster. Realizing how much of it is in my reach, I just have to take the right steps to get myself out of my comfort zone and go out and grab it. So that is exactly what I am doing. In hopes to finding myself again, letting my spirit free, being true to my heart and feeding my soul.
“She dances to the songs in her head, speaks with the rhythm of her heart, and loves from the depths of her soul.” – Dean Jackson